It Must Suck to be God

Imagine, if you will, the life of God...

God, the almighty...

God, the magnificent...

God, the all-knowing...

Who the fuck wants THAT kind of experience? Nothing new. No changes. No innovations. Everything’s always the same. That’s a world that would disgust me. No mysteries… you already fuckin' know everything. You know exactly why everything happens, so you just expect everything that’s going to happen.

That would REALLY suck! That would probably mean no music… no movies… no Hitchcock or Twilight Zone… no Welles' “War of the Worlds”… no reading… no news…

You know, when you think about it like that...

... it must REALLY suck to be God!

In an omnipotent, omniscient existence, what do you really have to look forward to? If you already know everything and you can make anything happen, what kind of hobbies can you possibly have?

You’ve got some people who love you, some people who fear you, and some people who don’t even think you exist... nobody calls you by the same fuckin’ name... some people think you have multiple personalities and refer to different things you do by different names. Sometimes, people get so crazy that they start killing each other in your name, neither side realizing that the other guys are really following the same entity.

… and then there are the varying stories about your children…

If we’re to trust legend, you have one kid who went into a blind rage, killed his family, and had to complete a bunch of impossible labors as atonement for his crimes; 

another kid who got crucified by the Romans;

another kid who got pissed off and stole your eye… 

of course, there are MORE stories, but it's kind of hard to top that one...

… your kids are a real handful; but since they’re the LITERAL children of God, you HAVE to be a parent because no mortal can POSSIBLY have the ability to be an effective parent to a demi-God. You have a stressful, time-consuming job that takes a lot of time from your family. Hell, even when you’re with them, you’re still working. You never took them to Disneyland… you never played catch with them… even when you WERE with them, you were always on the phone…

In empathy, I offer this: Who can BLAME them for rejecting authority?

Yep… life is tough when you’re God. Just think… that’s just the BEGINNING… (and just one WORLD... who the fuck knows how many MORE you're overseeing on the side...)

Everybody wants you to do shit for them. Some people thank you for what you do for them, but most really don’t have a clue what you’ve provided for them. Almost nobody notices the little things… the beauty in the world; like butterflies and rainbows and shit.  

When you’re God, it’s your job to kill everyone and everything. In the long run, everything you’ve created has to be destroyed… by you! That makes it really hard to make friends. When you know you’re going to have to kill someone later, do you really want to get too close to them? Sure, maybe you’ll see them again, but nobody really knows for sure (except God).

Christians believe that you either go to Heaven, Hell, or Limbo (in some circles). Atheists think you just end and there’s nothing after that (yes, I do consider Atheism to be a faith, because religions have faith that there IS a God, and Atheists have faith that there is nothing. Either way, it’s all faith, and it's large groups of people who all believe the same thing.) Odinists believe you cross the Rainbow Bridge to Valhalla and spend your afterlife with past warriors.

The truth is, nobody can claim to know FOR SURE whether there is or isn’t a God. Nobody’s met him face to face since Moses. (Sorry, Mrs. Bachmann and Misters Bush, Perry, and Cain... those voices in your head are NOT “The Lord”) Nobody can provide conclusive evidence of his existence or of his absence. There are STORIES about God, but nobody that wrote them is around to substantiate the claims. We just have to take the books that contain the stories at their word.

… although...

When you’re God, you always have a great view of the sunset. You can go to the top of any mountain. You can visit any moment in time. You can lick the beaters whenever you want. You can always watch “Ghostbusters.” You can experience any beauty you want, at any time you want.

Here’s the truth about God...

… at least, the truth as I see it, when I use my own logic...

God neither loves us nor hates us. God is ambivalent. God is random. Like I said, God can’t get to know anybody; he’ll just have to kill them later.

There’s no one person he likes more than any other person; they’re all the same. We’re all just pawns. There are no REAL kings or rooks. Everybody has the same role to play: fodder.

We serve our purpose, then we get taken off the board. Does the game ever get reset? Do we ever play again?

Who the fuck knows???

If you make it all the way to the other side of the board, do you get to bring someone else back to life, before going off and doing whatever you want? Nobody will ever have the definitive answers for these questions. Once you’re gone, you’re gone, and there’s no coming back to tell anyone what the fuck happened later.

Nobody can ever claim to know God on a personal level. Nobody will ever be omniscient or omnipotent, so nobody will ever be able to claim that they “get” God. God is more complicated than Shaft... and HE’S a complicated man!

So when you’re God, you’re constantly misunderstood, lonely, bored, ambivalent, and manically both creating and destroying things... just TELL ME that doesn’t suck! Who the fuck can blame him for throwing an earthquake or a flood every once in a while? Dealing with all of that can NOT be good for one’s Psychological fitness!

… and just think… God’s been at it FOREVER, and he’s NEVER GONNA STOP! There was never a beginning and there will never be an end. Could you imagine feeling like that? Wouldn’t you get tired? I mean, you never get a vacation… you work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! It’s NEVER ENDING! How would YOU like to exist, knowing that you will never have a break? It’s not like working a regular job… 40 hours a week… No, you’ll never have a day off, despite what the Bible says.

God never stops working... I mean, it’s not like time just STOPS on Sunday… things happen… if things are happening, God is working… it’s that simple. If you don’t believe it, then any time there’s a natural disaster on a Sunday, you can’t fuckin’ blame God for it! If you TRULY believe that Sunday is a “day of rest” and that it’s supposed to be God’s “day of rest” as well, then you can’t believe he’s making tornadoes and hurricanes and shit on his day off!

Consider this; the Bible ALSO says that to God, a millennium is as a day… TECHNICALLY, that means that God takes a thousand years off after every six thousand years working! The last time he TRIED to take time off, the dark ages happened, and he had to come back to work EARLY! He couldn’t take ANY time off without us REALLY fuckin’ things up!

Of course, if God DOES, indeed, take time off, then that means time DOES stop. Supposedly, God makes time happen. So if God takes a break, that means time stops. This says to me that one day, we’re all gonna wake up and there’s gonna be a MILLENNIUM worth of dust all over everything. We’ll all look around and say “what the fuck HAPPENED last night?”

YOU only work FIVE DAYS before taking TWO days off! You lazy fuck! Look at how hard GOD works! What makes YOU better than GOD?

Arrogant bastard!

However, if you DON’T believe these things, you’re fine… just keep doing what you’re doing…