Imagine, if you will, the life of
God...
God, the almighty...
God, the magnificent...
God, the all-knowing...
Who the fuck wants THAT kind of
experience? Nothing new. No changes. No innovations. Everything’s
always the same. That’s a world that would disgust me. No
mysteries… you already fuckin' know everything. You know exactly
why everything happens, so you just expect everything that’s going
to happen.
That would REALLY suck! That would
probably mean no music… no movies… no Hitchcock or Twilight Zone…
no Welles' “War of the Worlds”… no reading… no news…
You know, when you think about it like
that...
... it must REALLY suck to be God!
In an omnipotent, omniscient existence,
what do you really have to look forward to? If you already know
everything and you can make anything happen, what kind of hobbies can
you possibly have?
You’ve got some people who love you,
some people who fear you, and some people who don’t even think you
exist... nobody calls you by the same fuckin’ name... some people
think you have multiple personalities and refer to different things
you do by different names. Sometimes, people get so crazy that they
start killing each other in your name, neither side realizing that
the other guys are really following the same entity.
… and then there are the varying
stories about your children…
If we’re to trust legend, you have
one kid who went into a blind rage, killed his family, and had to
complete a bunch of impossible labors as atonement for his crimes;
another kid who got crucified by the Romans;
another kid who got
pissed off and stole your eye…
of course, there are MORE stories,
but it's kind of hard to top that one...
… your kids are a real handful; but
since they’re the LITERAL children of God, you HAVE to be a parent
because no mortal can POSSIBLY have the ability to be an effective
parent to a demi-God. You have a stressful, time-consuming job that
takes a lot of time from your family. Hell, even when you’re with
them, you’re still working. You never took them to Disneyland…
you never played catch with them… even when you WERE with them, you
were always on the phone…
In empathy, I offer this: Who can
BLAME them for rejecting authority?
Yep… life is tough when you’re God.
Just think… that’s just the BEGINNING… (and just one WORLD...
who the fuck knows how many MORE you're overseeing on the side...)
Everybody wants you to do shit for
them. Some people thank you for what you do for them, but most
really don’t have a clue what you’ve provided for them. Almost
nobody notices the little things… the beauty in the world; like
butterflies and rainbows and shit.
When you’re God, it’s your job to
kill everyone and everything. In the long run, everything you’ve
created has to be destroyed… by you! That makes it really hard to
make friends. When you know you’re going to have to kill someone
later, do you really want to get too close to them? Sure, maybe
you’ll see them again, but nobody really knows for sure (except
God).
Christians believe that you either go
to Heaven, Hell, or Limbo (in some circles). Atheists think you just
end and there’s nothing after that (yes, I do consider Atheism to
be a faith, because religions have faith that there IS a God, and
Atheists have faith that there is nothing. Either way, it’s all
faith, and it's large groups of people who all believe the same
thing.) Odinists believe you cross the Rainbow Bridge to Valhalla
and spend your afterlife with past warriors.
The truth is, nobody can claim to know
FOR SURE whether there is or isn’t a God. Nobody’s met him face
to face since Moses. (Sorry, Mrs. Bachmann and Misters Bush, Perry,
and Cain... those voices in your head are NOT “The Lord”) Nobody
can provide conclusive evidence of his existence or of his absence.
There are STORIES about God, but nobody that wrote them is around to
substantiate the claims. We just have to take the books that contain
the stories at their word.
… although...
When you’re God, you always have a
great view of the sunset. You can go to the top of any mountain. You
can visit any moment in time. You can lick the beaters whenever you
want. You can always watch “Ghostbusters.” You can experience
any beauty you want, at any time you want.
Here’s the truth about God...
… at least, the truth as I see it,
when I use my own logic...
God neither loves us nor hates us. God
is ambivalent. God is random. Like I said, God can’t get to know
anybody; he’ll just have to kill them later.
There’s no one person he likes more
than any other person; they’re all the same. We’re all just
pawns. There are no REAL kings or rooks. Everybody has the same
role to play: fodder.
We serve our purpose, then we get taken
off the board. Does the game ever get reset? Do we ever play again?
Who the fuck knows???
If you make it all the way to the other
side of the board, do you get to bring someone else back to life,
before going off and doing whatever you want? Nobody will ever have
the definitive answers for these questions. Once you’re gone,
you’re gone, and there’s no coming back to tell anyone what the
fuck happened later.
Nobody can ever claim to know God on a
personal level. Nobody will ever be omniscient or omnipotent, so
nobody will ever be able to claim that they “get” God. God is
more complicated than Shaft... and HE’S a complicated man!
So when you’re God, you’re
constantly misunderstood, lonely, bored, ambivalent, and manically
both creating and destroying things... just TELL ME that doesn’t
suck! Who the fuck can blame him for throwing an earthquake or a
flood every once in a while? Dealing with all of that can NOT be
good for one’s Psychological fitness!
… and just think… God’s been at
it FOREVER, and he’s NEVER GONNA STOP! There was never a beginning
and there will never be an end. Could you imagine feeling like that?
Wouldn’t you get tired? I mean, you never get a vacation… you
work 24 hours a day, 7 days a week! It’s NEVER ENDING! How would
YOU like to exist, knowing that you will never have a break? It’s
not like working a regular job… 40 hours a week… No, you’ll
never have a day off, despite what the Bible says.
God never stops working... I mean, it’s
not like time just STOPS on Sunday… things happen… if things are
happening, God is working… it’s that simple. If you don’t
believe it, then any time there’s a natural disaster on a Sunday,
you can’t fuckin’ blame God for it! If you TRULY believe that
Sunday is a “day of rest” and that it’s supposed to be God’s
“day of rest” as well, then you can’t believe he’s making
tornadoes and hurricanes and shit on his day off!
Consider this; the Bible ALSO says that
to God, a millennium is as a day… TECHNICALLY, that means that God
takes a thousand years off after every six thousand years working!
The last time he TRIED to take time off, the dark ages happened, and
he had to come back to work EARLY! He couldn’t take ANY time off
without us REALLY fuckin’ things up!
Of course, if God DOES, indeed, take
time off, then that means time DOES stop. Supposedly, God makes time
happen. So if God takes a break, that means time stops. This says
to me that one day, we’re all gonna wake up and there’s gonna be
a MILLENNIUM worth of dust all over everything. We’ll all look
around and say “what the fuck HAPPENED last night?”
YOU only work FIVE DAYS before taking
TWO days off! You lazy fuck! Look at how hard GOD works! What
makes YOU better than GOD?
Arrogant bastard!
However, if you DON’T believe these
things, you’re fine… just keep doing what you’re doing…
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